


Rotting Hill

by SpiralQueen



Category: Haikyuu!!, Shrek (2001), Shrek 2 (2004), Shrek Forever After (2010), Shrek Series, Shrek the Third (2007)
Genre: M/M, Recovery, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Tension, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff, perfect otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 05:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3346025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiralQueen/pseuds/SpiralQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like Notting Hill, but with onions. Shrek is Julia Roberts. From the creator that brought you “I’m gonna Shrekyuu!!”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rotting Hill

** February 14th 2015 **

** 20:00  **

_“It must have been love, but it’s ogre now!”  
_ His ogre orbs were moist at the sound of Roxette’s voice…the sound of _their song._ Cameras flashed from behind the press barriers, whilst microphones hustled in his direction, too close to be comfortable. Amongst the panic, he felt a hand at his shoulder.

“I’m here babe, I’m here…”, the owner whispered.  
  
Reassured, he brought sausage fingers to his eyes, batting away the tears that had gathered. Regaining that loveable, yet stoic composure which had become his trademark, he turned to his partner with a thankful smile.  
Grinning back, the owner once again brought his lips to the ogre’s ear.   
  
“Hey…whatcha say we blow this joint? Fuck them all, I say! I’ve gotta hamper of Lush cosmetics with your name all over them at home…”  
Eyes widened.  
  
“Mmm watchasay??”, he sang.  
  
And with a silent exchange consisting only of eyebrow aerobics and rib nudging the lovers made their plan of escape. Taking Tanaka Ryuunosuke’s feet in his hands, he propelled him cheerleader-style over the crowd who had flocked for this movie premiere. Shrek soon followed, stepping back a few paces before launching into a flying round-off which cleared the hub with metres to spare.  
This was _their_ Valentine’s Day. The Break-wind Mountain premiere would just have to go on without them.   
  
A cry of “Who is she?” filled the air as they eloped into their rose-tinted future.   
  
How did the ogre get so lucky, you ask?  
   
 **Shrek Greentoes is an ogre; swamp represent. This is his story.**   


* * *

  
  
West Far Far Away, born and raised.   
In The Swamp was where he spent most of his days  
Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool  
And ripping some gas out fumigating the schools  
When a couple of directors came into the wood  
Auditioned for the role dey said “you’re good”  
Made one little movie then three more, as you do  
Now he’s the source bad jokes and fanfiction too.  
  
(Shrek looks directly into the camera)  
  
As the intro has specified, Shrek had it all at his fingertips…everything, but pride. He had a comfortable LA bachelor pad, complete with his boulder that he had transported specifically. A rat infestation meant that he never went hungry and, due to a sponsorship, all of the onions he could ever want or need. But he was alone again.   
Admittedly, he knew that it was his fault. Wealth and power had gotten to his head, putting a great strain on his and Fiona’s relationship. Not only that but Shrek; under the immense pressure of a thriving Hollywood career, fell ill to an onion addiction. Nevertheless they had soldiered on, tried to stick with it, at least until the trilogy was complete.  
But with Shrek the Third, Shrek’s onion addiction had peaked and their relationship hit rock bottom. Three years later, with the completion of the franchise, their separation was bitter. Fiona not only won the custody of their children in a gruelling court saga, but she also secured ownership of Shrek’s blessed swamp.   
  
Driven over the edge, his onion problem escalated to unmanageable levels. Desperate for a fix he chose to join legions with the Hamburglar as part of his illegal onion cartel. Constantly at war against their rival troupe, headed by Ronald McDonald, they made a surprisingly efficient pair; Mr. H would steal, Shrek would deal.   
For the first year, they had been on a winning streak…by the second, they had Ron McDaddy on his knees.   
It was at the beginning of the third year that their luck ran out with the emergence of the new cop on the block; Olaf Snowski. The cold operator had ploughed their business into the ground with the full force of the law and, with the leakage of private voicemail messages, Shrek had been identified as a collaborator and was called to court to answer for his crimes.   
Sentenced to an onion ban and electronic tag...it had been the nail in his coffin.     
  
Four years later, we find him living a life of solitude; cooking in his LA home like onions in a stew; now simply just another arsehole has-been who had lost their purpose.   
Occasionally, someone would recognise him.   
Often, they’d throw his quotes athim.  
“Ogres are like onions!” at the supermarket, “This is the time where you run away!” on his morning jog.    
  
It was humiliating. He hated it. People taking words that weren’t even his own and putting them in his mouth. “Shrek” was just one character he had played…the _real_ Shrek Greentoes…didn’t they want to know _him_?  


* * *

 

** January 11th 2015 **

**19:00  
  
** He didn’t know _why_ he craved the O that day…but holy shit, was this ogre a thirsty Kirsty this evening.   
Storming into the local greengrocers he had exclaimed lustfully, “Layer me up baby!” with such force that Old Man Mr. Green had to be carted off in an ambulance.   
Adopting Battle Tactic D, the grocers had gone into G alert and the Special Ogreations team had been dispatched. Shrek rolled his eyes…same old, same old.   
  
“Must we do this every time Mr. Jenkins…you really try my patience.”  
  
The petite greengrocer fixed the glasses at his nose, sweat visibly gathering at his hairline.   
  
“I don’t make the rules G-greentoes. You know the terms of your suspension…you **know** I can’t sell you _the stuff._ I j-just wish you’d toe the line for o-once. Shrek Forever After wasn’t even that g-good.”  
  
Waves of anger built inside of his body. He _knew_ you shouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, but-  
!  
A hand squeezed his butt, halting the imminent shrek-splosion and he shrieked.   
“What the Fuckwa-“  
  
Instant boner.  
  
“Get your ass out of my way, shit head!” the groper raised his voice, loud enough so that everybody in the shop could hear.  
  
Struck in a moment of breathless delight, the ogre took a step back and took in his ass-assinator.   
Dressed plainly in khaki combats and a black creased t-shirt, his attire was ordinary. His proportions, height was average. What drew the ogre’s blood to his scallion was the shape and smoothness of his head, reminiscent of the rare and delicious white onion, only a few sprouts of hair graced it.  
The ogre was transfixed, eyes boggled as he watched the boy bag a couple of handfuls of red onions, before approaching the counter to pay.   
  
Oh, what he’d give to be one of those onions…being bagged by the beauty.  
  
After paying he swept swiftly past the ogre, out of the grocers, allowing a generous peak of his pert muscular ass as he went. And as much as he enjoyed watching him go, Shrek felt pain at seeing him leave.   
That one-way shit was not on. The pin-head had touched his arse, then up and left…didn’t he realise that it had been **so** long and Shrek was **so so badly into that shit?**  
His two primal urges clashing, he was in conflict…would he satisfy his hunger, or his lust? His stomach, or his scallion?  Dry aching in the pits of his stomach couldn’t hide that the fact that the spot that the baldy had groped burned, making Shrek feel like a cowboy who had been sitting in the saddle all day climbing up a hella steep mountain.  
And so, with his thought, he made like a gay cowboy and plunged his rotund form through the door with a,“I wish I knew how to quit you.”  
  
Jogging through the car lot, he floored poor Nana Green this time (having just come to pick up her husband’s abandoned purchases). Batting not an eyelid, he sprung over the Special Ogreations car, which had just pulled up, let out a ripple to stun them and dashed away, his steps in sync with the agonised cries of the helpless diabetic (RIP Nana G).  
If the bae was a white onion, he didn’t have a long shelf life. So all those other shop-bought onions could wait for another day, cause today, he had bigger onions to fry.  


* * *

 

** 20:00 **

  
Sadly, though life isn’t all fairy tales and sunshine. Scouring the streets, he waited at every street corner…praying to God, he had sacrificed every first born child in the area. But the beauty was nowhere to be found.     
  
After thirty minutes, with his foot ulcers leaking in his bedazzled Doc Martens, he knew that he would have to start heading home, or he would break his curfew and so with sadness, he walked home. He didn’t need another visit from Opra.   


* * *

 

** January 12th 2015 **

**08:00**  
  
8 on the dot, he arose.   
Squeezing into his leopard print jeggings and metallic gold crop top, he made his way directly to the grocers. He knew it was unlikely that the dreamboat would visit again in the space of two days, but our desperate Casanogre was at a loss of where else to look. Onions had brought them together, surely…  
Reassuring himself that they had never let him down before, he bought a hot choccy from the Starbucks opposite and commenced his surveillance of the grocers.   
  
So engrossed was he in his task that, even after burning his tongue to a crisp on the scalding beverage that never seemed to cool, he failed to notice the movement of the chair beside him.  
  
“Sooo…we meet again, Shithead.”  
The ogre’s mouth resembled a faecal Niagara Falls when he realised just who had caused the chair to move.   
Clutching a cheese and onion toastie, his muse looked the image of an angel with a halo; his bald head catching the glow of the coffee shop lights.  Despite his moment of awe, Shrek was pretty pissed off that he had been caught off guard, yet again, in front of his crush.  
  
“The names Shrek, ya puny human...” growling in what he hoped was a shreksy manner.    
  
“Oh, I know who you are. I might look young to _you, **old man**_ , but I wasn’t born yesterday **.”  
  
** His bowels dropped in indignation. He was only 13 in ogre years, he’d have him know!   
Ogre years.  
 **Ogre.**   
For the first time since the Shrek 2 nude scene, Shrek actually considered the possible consequences of what he was trying to do.

They were different species. From totally different worlds. And if he knew his name, it was highly likely that his angel would know all of the terrible things he had done. He should leave, run, roll…get out before he fell even deeper.   
  
He had tried.  
Silently, he had pulled back his chair with a shaky hand and had Baymax shuffled towards the door. His hurried movements looking as if he had shat himself and was trying to get home before leakage, he hadn’t exshrekcted **the** **angelic voice** to call out to him.

“Shrek…wait, don’t go…”  
  
Twirling around at the plea he knocked a waitress flying; crumbs like cherry blossom petals scattered the air between them, as she kissed the floor.

“Wh-why?” it felt like the work of a dream.   
Work. Dream. Inside his head the puzzle pieces clicked together. Of course! Nothing this good would ever happen to him…he was **rotten**! He was being played with and he knew just who the game-makers behind it all were.   
**Yes.** His jaw clenched.  
DreamWorks.

**_(The sad truth is Readers, is that the onion addiction and his subsequent prosecution had affected our ogre’s emotional state greatly. Consequently, a persecution complex meant he found himself often paranoid of the intentions of so called “friends”)._**  
  
“Who hired you and how much they paying you for this insane charade?!” he was getting ogre-ssive now.

Tanaka just stared calmly at the outburst, “What are you talking about Greentoes?”  
  
“Pffft…you can’t fool me. ARGH! I begged and I pleaded and they promised me. THEY PROMISED ME that after Far Far Away Idol was filmed, that they would never ask me to do reality TV again!”

Despite his fury, he felt sorry for the young and obviously-easily coerced one.

“I can’t be your Kim K, baby.”

The scene was awkwardly quiet as Diglett deduced the meaning behind Shrek’s seemingly peculiar statement; Shrek grated an onion, tapping his foot on the waitress as he waited. When the distressed sounds of “save yourself!” from the badly bruised server had finally stopped, Tanaka took it as his cue to give the ogre his reply.

Adam’s apple bobbing, he swallowed and…

“I wouldn’t want you to be, Shrekky. After all, I’m just a guy. Standing in front of an ogre, asking him to love him.”

“You…you what…?”

Swamped with emotion, his eyes brimmed with onion tears. Love? What is love? Backing against the door, he grabbed at the handle with sweaty paws. But the next thing he knew was that he was pinned at all sides.   
Schoolboy saliva spraying onto his warty face in a fashion similar to Rachel McAdam’s in that rain scene in the Notebook, Diglett halted our ogre once and for all with a declaration.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going! Did I fucking stutter?! You heard me you actual turd burglar! I said I LOVE YOU AND SO HELP ME **GOD** , I am never EVER going to **shrek** you go!”  

The live studio audience “aaawwed”, before breaking into a standing ovation. (Only in LA)

* * *

 

  ****February 14 th 2015

** 21:00 **

**_“Is it…is it?! YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT IS! The hottest couple in Hollywood right now…I couldn’t believe it. Yes viewers, Shrek is back and with his beautiful new beau Tanaka Ryuunosuke! Reporting live from the premiere of Break-wind Mountain today, Valentine’s Day, I was able to catch a quick chat with the pair!”_ **

“Turn it off bae, the bath’s just finished running, so come and get in. I added Sex Bomb tonight…I know you like the floral-smelling ones.”

“Just a sec TanTan…I want to see what they said about us…our hasty escape.”

Letting out a resigned sigh, TanTan curled onto the coach, slumping his shoulder into the spongey flesh of his significant ogre.

“I can’t believe you actually did a flying round-off over the crowd… **_and_** you totally shrekked the landing. I’m so proud of you pookie.”     

Blushing he sensually rubbed at his boyfriend’s head.

“That’ll do TanTan. That’ll do."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So there you have it. The tale of how a fateful first meeting triggered the greatest love story Japanese Animation has ever known. (And if you disagree with me, meet me behind the bike sheds after school and we can slog it out. I’m not afraid of you sonny Jim.)  
> What the fuck were they doing at a movie première at the start of the fic? How come Shrek is so good at gymnastics? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
> I dedicate this Valentine’s special to both my ogre and nerd family, Eugene Krabs and all of the wonderful people who enjoyed my last work. Happy Valentines Day!  
> *whispers shreksily* Also, come ogre and say hi on tumblr if you feel so inclined; I’m ace-cdc on there ;)


End file.
